Human Reproduction 101
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Connor hadn't expected the dinosaur to start talking. He certainly didn't expect it to be a voyeur!


It had been a disaster of an expedition so far. They had come through the anomaly and somehow Connor had managed to get himself and Abby stuck in a cave. A rockslide had blocked the entrance. They had one torch between them and it didn't do much to light up the shadows in the cave.

If that wasn't bad enough, suddenly, there was a scratching noise from the back corner of the cave.

Connor offered to go and investigate. He walked slowly to the corner, with Abby close behind. He lifted the torch. By the light, he could see a shape moving in the darkness.

He took a step backwards and bumped into Abby.

"What is it?" she whispered.

"Shhh," he hissed.

The shape moved closer to them. It walked into the beam of the torch. Connor squinted. It seemed to be a dinosaur. He wasn't sure what kind it was, but it was smallish, only coming to his shoulder height. It kind of looked delicate looking.

"Move back towards the entrance slowly," Connor said softly. He had a pack he had dropped back there that had a knife in there. If this dinosaur was going to turn dangerous, he would be ready for it!

He was completely unprepared for what came next.

-***-

When the dinosaur began to talk, Connor stumbled, fell backwards, and landed on his back in the cave. A small cloud of dust flew up around him. Flushing, he pulled himself back up again. To his embarrassment, Abby was still standing. Her mouth was open.

"Oh dear," the dinosaur said in a strangely cultured voice. "I've surprised you."

"Oh, no," Connor spluttered, "we're not surprised at all. Oh no. From where we're from, dinosaurs talk all the time."

Abby jabbed him in the ribs and he winced.

The dinosaur pawed at the ground. Connor couldn't help but eye those suspiciously sharp claws. He didn't think this was a harmless herbivore. Those teeth looked sharp and pointy as well. He could have sworn the dinosaur looked confused. "I didn't think your species had much experience with mine," it said. "Everybody else I've met has run away from me while making the most horrific noises."

Connor frowned. Everybody else? Nobody else from the ARC had come to this era before.

"Who were these other people?" Abby asked. It was apparent her mind had made the same connections as Connor.

"They were a while ago," the dinosaur said vaguely. "They're gone now. But you two are here now! This is good!"

"Oh?" Connor said faintly. His mind was coming to the most awful conclusions about where those other poor souls had ended up. Most of them involved becoming a very lovely dinner, or breakfast.

The dinosaur bared its teeth at them, looking for all the world like it was about to attack. "Certainly!" it said cheerfully. "If I'm not mistaken, one of you is a male and the other is female." It leant forward and peered quite intently at Connor's crotch.

Connor took a step backwards. Beside him, he could hear Abby stifle a hysterical giggle. "I'm male," he said.

"Oh good!" the dinosaur said brightly.

"Uh, why is that good?" Connor asked, dreading the answer.

The dinosaur took a step forward on a clawed foot. "I have always been curious," it admitted, "as to the reproductive habits of humans. I've been told that it doesn't involved eggs at all."

"Well, it does actually," Abby interjected. "Women have eggs inside of them."

"So, you sit on the eggs and then they hatch?"

"Well, no," Abby said. "They always stay inside of us. Babies grow out of the eggs."

Connor could swear the dinosaur was frowning. "But then where does the male of your species come in?" It lifted a claw and pointed towards Connor. "Is it not useful in the reproduction of life?"

"Yes, Abby," Connor hissed, "please, tell it that I'm useful!"

Abby glared at him. "You could help me explain."

Connor fell silent.

Abby sighed and shook her head. "The man is useful," she explained. "He, uh, provides the … sperm."

The dinosaur tilted its head to one side. "How is this sperm provided?"

"I, uh, well…" Abby stammered. "It's hard to explain."

Connor felt the situation was too surreal for words. They were in a cave in the prehistoric era explaining human sex education to a dinosaur. A talking dinosaur! He pinched himself, hoping it was a dream. But it wasn't.

The dinosaur shook its head. "This is no good," it said. Connor took another step backwards. Surely, the dinosaur wasn't going to eat them? "If you can't explain it," the dinosaur said decisively, "you'll have to do a practical demonstration."

Connor choked.

"You…" Abby spluttered. "You want us…"

"A practical demonstration," the dinosaur said impatiently. "You're female. That one's male. Surely you could demonstrate how this reproductive process works?"

"I'm afraid," Connor said, "it isn't as easy as all that!" It wasn't to say his cock didn't like the idea of Abby. He's had a crush on her since they started working together. But the idea of having sex in this cave under the watchful inquisitive eye of a dinosaur… well it was just too much.

The dinosaur was beginning to look angry. "I don't understand the difficulty," it complained. It took yet another step forward and bared its teeth. "I am rather hungry," it admitted. "Mother tells me not to eat humans, but you two look rather tasty. That is unless you would like to demonstrate human reproduction to me?" It looked hopeful.

Connor could feel his breath coming in shallow pants. Here it was. He was going to be eaten by a dinosaur. He took yet another step backwards.

_Clunk_.

His head hit an outcrop of rock.

Just before he blacked out, he could see Abby's panicked face.

-***-

Connor woke up in the infirmary at the ARC. Abby was looking worriedly down at him.

"What happened?" he gasped as soon as he could speak.

"You have a concussion," Abby explained. "You're fine though. All you need is rest."

"And… the dinosaur?" Connor was almost afraid to ask. Maybe Abby had taken advantage of his unconscious body.

He was surprised when Abby grinned. "Oh, I demonstrated human reproduction!" she said brightly.

"You… did?"

Abby laughed. "Don't look so worried, Connor. I just kissed you. I told it that kissing was our transfer of the necessary bodily fluids and that now my eggs would be fertilised by your saliva. It looked quite pleased."

Oh. Connor wasn't sure if he was glad or disappointed. It was typical, really. The one time Abby kissed him, he was knocked out.

"It wants us to bring our child to meet it," Abby said cheerfully.

Connor stared at her.


End file.
